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You’re Kidding

My 4-year old is into telling jokes; they are not funny, and they make no sense.  But, she could sit at the dinner table and crack herself up for a good 20 minutes.  In the interest of keeping my sanity I decided that we need to teach her some real jokes.  I’m not sure she really gets them, but as an adult, it makes it much more entertaining.  I looked online and couldn’t find any sites with great jokes that were age appropriate, so I sent an e-mail to my department (mostly made up of mothers) to see what their favorite adolescent jokes were.  Here’s what they came up with…I’m enjoying our dinner table comedy much more these days!

Why didn’t the orange cross the road? Because he ran out of juice.

 
 

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A Buc-an-ear.

 
 
 

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.

 
 
 

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9 (seven ate nine).

 
 
 

What do you get when you put three ducks in a box? A box of quackers.

 
 
 

What’s in an astronaut’s favorite sandwich? Launch meat.

 
 
 

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I’m dressing!

 
 
 

Why do elephants never forget? Because nobody ever tells them anything.

 
 
 

Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? Because they crack each other up.

 
 
 

How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully.

 
 
 

My mother came by to show off her brand-new Pontiac Grand Am. My eight-year-old daughter took one look at the car and indignantly proclaimed, “They spelled grandma wrong!”

 
 
 

Little Jimmy’s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?” Little Jimmy’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Jimmy replied: “That’s how Mommy knows supper is ready!”

 
 
 

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.”Because,” my son explained, “they said it has to have at least four characters.”

 
 
 

What kind of keys do kids carry? Coo-kies.

 
 
 

Why did the boy throw butter out the window? He wanted to see butter fly!

 
 
 

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley!

 
 
 

What do you call Lassie with a rose in her mouth? Collie-flower!

 
 
 

What has 10 letters and starts with gas? An automobile!

 
 
 

What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse!

 
 
 

Do doctors make house calls? Yes, but your house has to be really sick!

 
 
 

Why is the baker so mean? Because he beats the bread!

 
 
 

What is a fish’s favorite country? Finland!

 
 

What does the bunny say on January 1stHoppy New Year!

 
 
 

Why do mother kangaroos hate the rain? Because the kids have to play inside all day!

 
 
 

Why did the man take a hammer to bed? He wanted to hit the sack!

 
 
 

Why wouldn’t the skeleton jump off the cliff? He didn’t have the guts!

 
 
 

Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!

 
 
 

Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself? He had no body to go with him!

 
 
 

When is homework not homework? When it is turned into the teacher!

 
 
 

What does a bee sit on? His bee-hind (behind)!

 
 
 

What bee does well in school? A spelling bee!

 
 
 

What is a parasite? Something you see in Paris!

 
 
 

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!

 
 
 

How many vampires does it take to put in a light bulb? None. Vampires like the dark!

 
 
 

What is the best way to keep water from running? Don’t pay the water bill!

 
 
 

What pounds in your ear? Your ear drum!

 
 
 

Why don’t lobsters share? Because they are shellfish!

 
 
 

What did one triangle say to the other triangle? Let’s get together and square dance!

 
 
 

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!

 
 
 

What did the boy do when his dog ate his science book? He took the words right out of his mouth!

 
 
 

What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment!

 
 
 

Why was the cat afraid of the tree? He was afraid of the bark!

 
 
 

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? To day scare centers!

 
 
 

How did the farmer move his cow? A Moo-ving van!

 
 
 

What did one window say to the other window? I’m in pane!

 
 
 

Why did the apple turn over? Because he got jealous of the jelly roll!

 
 
 

How do you fix a monkey? With a monkey wrench!

 
 
 

What does a ship say when it’s cold? Shiver me timbers!

 
 
 

Why did the old woman tie roller skates to the rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll!

 
 
 

What do you get when you send a cow to Alaska? Cold Cream!

 
 
 

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.

 
 
 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

 
 
 

Why did the frog cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken (or, to find his friend the chicken).

 
 
 

How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter.

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